Set Boundaries and Find Peace
Personal boundaries are a fundamental element of personal growth and maintaining healthy relationships. Without them, we may feel disconnected, directionless, or overwhelmed by feelings we can’t explain.
Everybody has their own unique boundaries; setting boundaries defines our expectations of ourselves and others in different kinds of relationships—friendships, romantic relationships, at the workplace, and business.
Boundaries are what separate us from others. We have cultural, societal, and interpersonal boundaries by which we abide. When the expectations are clearly defined, they help us understand, maintain and progress toward our goals.
Understanding what you need to thrive and feel anchored inside yourself doesn’t seem like an easy task. It requires awareness of who you are, what you need and feel, and the ability to communicate assertively. But once you do, there is growth in articulating and asking for what you need in order to stay connected to yourself. Honestly, that’s really the bottom line of setting boundaries, in my opinion. But then, we recognize and set boundaries so that we can be and remain connected to ourselves.
Arriving at a place within, where your boundaries become clear and automatic, might take some time.
Suppose you experienced adults overstepping their boundaries while you were growing up. In that case, you might have become conditioned not to feel your personal boundaries while unaware of how to feel your needs. On the flip side, your needs may have been so neglected that you reached beyond your psychological and emotional boundaries to get what you wanted. That might have left you feeling disconnected from your psyche and living in a space outside of yourself, while the previous scenario pushes us back inside to a place of withdrawal. They both cause confusion and therefore suffering—confusion because we don’t understand what’s missing and we don’t have the knowledge and tools to make it right.
Honoring and respecting your personal boundaries benefits your growth and clarifies your life. Imagine a life where you have an optimal level of clarity in your boundaries and feel comfortable speaking and asking for those boundaries from others around you in an appropriate way. A life coach can help free you from accommodating and people-pleasing patterns so you can function and manage your energy with healthy boundaries. Here are a few important things to know about different kinds of boundaries and how to communicate them.
How to communicate your boundaries:
Step 1. Come to an understanding and clarity about what you’re communicating. Ask directly and keep the focus on how you feel, not on blaming the other person for what they do. For example, articulate what you need and how you are feeling (anxious, uncomfortable, scared, confused, sad, etc.) when a certain situation occurs.
Step 2. State your needs or requests directly regarding what you’d like rather than what you don’t want or like. For example, “I would like you to give me some space,” or “I would like you to check in with me about how I’m feeling.”
Step 3. Setting boundaries is growth, and it might bring up feelings such as guilt, shame, lack of safety, or remorse. Find someone who can help you process these feelings. These feelings point to the root of the issue.
Finally, let’s talk about seven types of boundaries:
1. Mental: The freedom to have your own thoughts, opinions, and values. “I respect your perspective, but I disagree.”
2. Emotional: Your emotional availability for others. “Although I really want to support you right now, I don’t have the emotional bandwidth.”
3. Material: Giving or lending to others. “I’m not in a place where I can lend you money again.”
4. Internal: Self-regulation, such as spending your energy on yourself vs. others. “I have been social all week, and I need the weekend to myself.”
5. Conversational: Topics you are or are not comfortable discussing. “I would rather not be part of this conversation.”
6. Physical: Your personal space, body, and privacy. “Can we meet at the coffee house? I prefer to meet elsewhere until I get to know someone.”
7. Time: How much time do you give someone or by doing something? “I can only stay for an hour.”
